Don’t believe the hype

Posted on by

As-salamu alaykum Tash Appreciators!

There’s only one place to start this week and that’s in the wilds of Caledonia. I’m sure I speak for the four of us when I thank everyone for their donations and messages of support over the weekend. 

At the risk of boring those who have been already regaled with our tale, I can confirm the following: the team’s best time was 6 hours 14 minutes; the weather was atrocious; the climbs were high; the straights were long and windswept; there were times when I wanted to be anywhere other than on a bike in the middle of nowhere; and upon crossing the finishing line I was too tired to do anything than slouch over the handlebars. 

That being said, it was one of the best things I have ever done and have pre-registered for next year’s event. After taking a couple of weeks off, I’ll start working toward a sub 5.30 time. 

You’ll be pleased to hear that’s the end of cycling chat for a while and a normal Tash Friday service will return next week. 

As a reminder of the kind of insightful social commentary usually associated with Tash Friday, this week’s Tash is someone who didnt have much to be proud about last Sunday – Joey Barton. That’s right, the man who assaulted or attempted to assault three Manchester City players at exactly the moment when he was needed by his team mates. He’s unfortunately been known to rock a Tash:


Mr Barton can’t pull off a Tash and this is because he is, in fact, a bampot. He pretends to be reasonably erudite in his twittering but, let’s face it, anyone can string 140 characters together. The lesson of Joey Barton is that you can try to hide behind the prima facie respectability of a Tash but it all comes back to haunt you if you can’t back up the Tash with genuine class.

Unfortunately, Mr Barton is not the only one who failed to live up to his own hype. The offender? My pal Leitchy – the man who talked a HUGE game ahead of the race last week.

For those who don’t know, Leitchy talked of battering me on the course as he was allegedly in better shape than me and, to put it more politely than he did, I had a stone or two on him. In reality, I horsed him by 38 minutes. That’s literally miles. I wish I could have seen his face as I pulled away from him on the banks of Loch Rannoch and he realised that he couldn’t keep up with me. 

So, Leitchy, you now have two choices. You can write a 500 word essay on your woeful performance headed “The Etape: why I performed so badly”; post something on Facebook apologising to everyone who had to spend 38 minutes waiting for you at the finish line; and erect a statute of me in your room so you never forget who the better man is. Or, you can give me the crisp £10 note that I am due. Your choice. If you do neither then I will never let this rest.

To conclude this week, let’s take the comparison between Joey Barton’s Sunday afternoon and Leitchy’s to its logical conclusion. Both were humiliated in defeat and neither could back up their bold claims. As I see it, if Leitchy is Barton, then that makes me:
Vincent Kompany. Just like Barton and Kompany, Leitchy and I were competing in the same game but we were never in the same class. 
Have a great weekend folks!

Superhuman effort isn’t worth a damn unless. . .

Posted on by

Greetings Tash Appreciators!

Almost exactly one hundred years ago, a ship was launched from Sandefjord, Norway, which was designed to carry intrepid explorers to the wastes of the far south. Her commander was to be Sir Ernest Shackleton and he was planning to march across that most desolate of continents – Antarctica. 

The expedition began in 1914 but ultimately there was very little marching or exploring and a great deal of struggling for survival. The ship became trapped in sea ice and, when the pressure of the ice began to break up the hull, Shackleton was forced to abandon ship.  
The name of the ship was particularly apt – Endurance. Not only was it apt because it was exactly what was required by her crew, it’s also relevant to Shackleton’s thoughts on whether endurance and effort are enough when one sets about achieving a goal. 

Shackleton and a handful of the strongest members of the crew eventually had to leave the rest of the men on an island while they went in search of help. They were successful and upon their return a chap called Worsley, the man left to command the remaining men, greeted Shackleton with a firm handshake and the words “you have worked superhumanly to look after to us.” That seems like a fair statement because he looked like this (I’m sure there’s a Tash in there somewhere, albeit not a terribly neat one):


Shackleton’s response was: “superhuman effort isn’t worth a damn if it doesn’t achieve results.” 

In forty eight hours, four of us will be waiting at the start line with 80-odd miles of hard graft ahead of us. To make matters worse, the weather is set to be dire. 

We’re not crossing a continent of ice or saving the lives of dozens of men; it won’t take a superhuman effort to finish the race. However, the considerable effort that has already been put into our training; the work on the day; and the kind donations of Tash Appreciators the world over will be for nought if we don’t break or exceed or target of £1,000. 

I understand we passed the target a couple of days ago but I think we can raise more. After all, since when did Tash Friday accept simply meeting expectations. 

If anyone is still wanting to throw a couple of quid Marie Curie’s way, here’s the place to go: JustGiving.
All the support we have been given has been enough motivation to get us to this point. But if, at any stage, we think we can’t go any further, I suggest that we think about what He, our hero and overlord of all Tash Appreciators, would do…
He’d get the job done.

  
Have a fantastic weekend folks, think of us at 7.16 on Sunday when we’ll be rolling out of Pitlochry. 

This stapler isn’t weighty enough…

Posted on by

Guten tag Tash Appreciators!

Tash Friday’s legal team made its first official appearance in the courts in Edinburgh. Suffice to say, victory was swift. 

The word on the street is that the judges’ scorecards included comments like “the nimbleness of his arguments and the way he tailored his approach to the alternating position of his adversary demonstrated effortless elasticity”; “The viscosity of his averments was so overwhelming that I felt powerless to resist”; and “his oration was delivered with such bombasticity that I couldn’t care less what he was saying – he had my vote from the moment he spoke.” (Timmons and Milne, the requisite words were all used in one sentence. Feel free to pay up at www.justgiving.com/etapcaledonia2012) Indeed, the assembled media took the following photograph of the bench:
To those naysayers who doubt that account of events, you are quite correct. What actually happened was a severe case of dry-mouth and muttering which was only successful as the sheriff didn’t like the person on the other side.

Now I’ve got my bets out the way, I’ll leave you with something that’s been on my mind this week. I was sent a link to a version of Bon Iver’s performance at Coachella and it was a dynamite but what’s stuck with me is that it’s the simple details in it that made it great. 

It’s tough to capture the sound of live music in all its glory but this video managed it and, according to my itunes, I’ve listened to it 12 times since Sunday. I think it’s the way the drums sound and the occasional use of a sax; they’re just spot on. I heard it for the first time on Saturday and since then I’ve noticed that there are loads of fairly insignificant things that I actually really appreciate. So far I’ve noticed: good earphones, posters, finding interesting things to read, a stapler with a bit of weight to it, dogs…I could go on. I’ve noticed at least half a dozen things each day this week. 

What I’m saying is, it’s not just the devil that’s in the detail; that’s often where the perfect bits are too. Life’s better when you enjoy the everyday details that add a bit of colour but which you don’t necessarily pay attention to. 

So, to the Tash. This one requires you to look carefully but it made me smile when I noticed it:
Yes, Obama rocks a Tash every now and again. As I said, it’s all in the detail
Anyway, take it easy folks and have a great weekend. 

Value and values

Posted on by

Salut Tash Appreciators,

This week, I’ve spent a couple of train rides home reading the Time “100 most influential people in world” edition. 

I had a couple of problems with it. Firstly, and unbelievably, neither I nor Tash Friday have made the list; secondly, Craig Whyte is not in the villains section (one of them was just a Somalian warlord – what’s he done!?); thirdly, there are four chefs in it and none of them are called Mr Domino; and fourthly, not one of the dudes on the list has a Tash.  

One person who did make the list – in the mogul category – wholeheartedly has my vote. So much so that I read his entry first. Also, in the tradition of the edition (#Hiphopapotamus), every person on the list has a blurb written by some impossibly well qualified commentator and, in the case of this gentleman, I’m a big fan of the commentator too. 

Anyway, when this guy was 11, he used his entire savings to buy three shares in Cities Service Preferred. Within a couple of months the stock plummeted and he was left with nothing. As you can imagine, as he made the list, he came back from that initial disappointment and ended up being worth about $50billion. 

My point is that he became successful and, more importantly, he stayed successful by investing in companies with real promise. He would only invest in them if they were credible and had long-term prospects; bubbles were not part of this guy’s portfolio. As a result, he wasn’t raking in massive windfalls but over time the cash piled up. He has since tried to get rid of most of it by giving it to charities. 

I’ve got a lot of time for his attitude. He looks for real value rather than just the stock price. That involves looking behind the perhaps more immediately appealing elements of the stock, or company, or whatever. 

We can operate on that basis too. I hear about people not getting jobs because they told the truth about having ambitions to go on and do other things, or because one of the interview panel is chums with one of the other candidates. If employers all sought real value, and chose to work with people with integrity, drive and ambition I can categorically say that we’d all be better off. It’s back to this lingering greed issue and that most people cannot see past short term advantage or choose to just take the path of least resistance. It drives me mental and it’s always people I know who are suffering as a result.

But who is this chap I’m talking about? Well, it’s this guy:
Warren Buffett. He’s described in Time as being a man who has “handed down plenty of lessons over the years. Today, at 81, he reminds us that life is not just about the value you seek. It’s about the values you stand for.” 
Remember I said that I also liked the person who wrote the blurb about Mr Buffett? Yeah, it was Obama – that last quote is from the President himself! The lesson I take from this is that if you’re dealing with someone, or an organisation, and they can’t see either the value you offer nor the values you stand for then they ain’t worth dealing with. If they are blind to what you have to offer or, worse still, choose to ignore them, then the chances are they’re going nowhere anyway.  Find somewhere where your value and values will be appreciated and you won’t go far wrong.
To end this week, I have decided to add the 101st most important influential person in the world. His name is Francois Verkerk and he’s bringing the Tash to the masses in a major way. He’s certainly influenced me!
Yes.
That’s me for this week folks. Have a fantastic weekend!

Free entry for all between 10 and midnight

Posted on by

Hola Tash Appreciators,

Good news across the board this week. 

Firstly, thanks to all those who have sponsored us for the Etape. The immediate response of lots of people last week was quite something. 

Secondly, regular readers may recall that several weeks ago the subject of Tash Friday was “equal opportunities” and included a true story about how Bamboo was refusing to grant free entry to those who were not women/dressed in attire which made them appear to be people of the female variety. 

This week I received the usual spam email from Bamboo telling me about their upcoming nights and, lo and behold, the advert for Friday night clearly states that “everyone” gets in for free before midnight – that’s both men and women alike. 

They must have seen from my steely expression, and gamma ray bursts of intellectual pyrotechnics, that I meant business and that it was in their best interests to capitulate, thereby saving themselves from being added to the growing list of those vanquished by Neal “tormentor of town, champion of the majority and all round world-beater” Anderson. 

I think that when people inevitably start writing songs and poems of my victory they should picture Gandalf (me in this scenario) laying the smackdown on the balrog (the bouncer) in Lord of the Rings but with me shouting “I shall pass…and for free!” You can see the similarities – my chat is magic, the bouncer was bigger than me, we both ended up in a hellish dungeon type place but, ultimately, I won the day. Picture this on West Regent Street:

So, lads, next time your heading to Bamboo and you’ve got a fiver in your hand to pay the cover charge, keep it; It’s on me… Or, even better, use it to sponsor us! JustGiving! 

Speaking of changing the world, this week’s Tash took action to prevent injustice too. The only difference is that he did it in a film and wore a green wet suit while doing it. Usually this lad wouldn’t get a look in for Tash Friday (his Tash is not the best) but as I’m bigging up street justice I thought I’d give it to him. I’m talking about Aaron Johnson – star of the excellent film Kick Ass along with Nowhere Boy (which was ok):

Have a great weekend folks!

Pain is temporary but if I quit, however, it lasts forever – Armstrong

Posted on by

Buenos Dias Tash Appreciators,

I trust you all had a good holiday weekend!

I kept my social outings/drinking to a minimum over the weekend because on 13 May four of us – me, Leitchy, Ol’ Man Anderson and a friend of said Ol’ Man who is currently going through high-altitude training in South Africa – are going to attempt the Etape Caledonia: an 83 mile bike race round Perthshire including several thousand meters of climbing. Madness. 

We are riding for Marie Curie and have committed to raising at least £1,000 between us. Surprise, surprise, that’s where you lot come in. Now this isn’t a race we can just turn up to and finish – it’s hard. So if you could sponsor us a couple of quid that would be greatly appreciated! I will, of course, keep you updated re our progress and intend to get pictures at the finish (if we finish) to prove we did it. Here’s the link to our JustGiving page:

http://www.justgiving.com/etapcaledonia2012

I’ve not always been a cyclist but the years of watching the Tour De France finally had an effect and I bought a decent bike. The  seemingly superhuman blokes who enter the Tour fly up and down impossibly steep mountains in the Pyrenees and Alps then, days later, batter across the flat at 50-60kph. And they do this over and over for three weeks!

Most people think that bike races are just about crossing the line first but that’s just a part of it. I see it as the ultimate team sport. Most pro cyclists will never get to the heights of Armstrong, Merckx or even Cavendish. Indeed, some have to sell their bike at the end of the season to get by. But they ride for a team and for their team leader. These guys “bury themselves” (go as fast as they can until they can literally go no further) just to keep their man out of the wind or out of reach of an opposition rider. Could you imagine players in other team sports riding through agony for three weeks just so that some other guy can wear yellow or green on the Champs Élysées? I don’t think so. 

So while we are trying to get round the Etape course, the 4 of us will have to work together: take turns on the front of the group; push others on when we’re feeling good; and dig in to keep up when we’re feeling like we can’t pedal another metre. We’ll also be spurned on by the support of the folk who sponsor us.

So, to the Tash. It’s obviously going to be cycling related but, due to aerodynamics ‘n’ that, most riders don’t tote a Tash. I have therefore chosen a true supporter of cycling – a man who’s example any of you can follow on the Etape route if you wish. He has followed the Tour and Giro (d’Italia, not the dole queue) every year since 1993 and feverishly supports the riders; particularly in the mountains. They call him El Diablo (although he’s actually a German called Dieter) and he’s bloody marvellous:

I’ll leave you with one last photo. We know the race will be agony at times but I’m sure that the end in Pitlochry will feel like Paris in July. I also think my reaction to finishing may be along the lines of the Manx Missile – Mark Cavendish:

Have a great weekend folks!

Love. Pain. Glory – The Wrestler

Posted on by

Buenos Dias Tash Appreciators,

If spring had arrived last week, then this week has definitely been summer. 

I know you’ll all want to concentrate on enjoying the sun rather than reading a boring email so this week’s Tash will be very brief. 

I just have one question: when you think of summer, what do you think of? 

The colour yellow (for the sun ‘n’ that)?

A tan?

Going taps aff?

I assume that the answer to all three questions is a resounding “YES”. Therefore, this week’s Tash is a man with a tan like that makes him look like an antique piece of mahogany; who wears yellow vests and feather boas; and is so keen to go taps aff that he sometimes just tears off his shirt rather than removing it sensibly. 

I am, of course, talking about the one and only Hollywood Hulk Hogan – 100 plus kilos of tanned masculinity who brought the world Hulkamania and, even at the age of 58, could give me a run for my money in a brawl! One of his trademarks is also the handlebar moustache: a bold choice but one which only he, and the Village People, have managed to pull off.

Have a spectacular weekend folks!

When Tashes go bad…

Posted on by

Hola Tash Appreciators,

Welcome to spring!

I think this is the first time that Tash Friday has taken place when the weather was vaguely encouraging. To that end, we will dispense with the regular attempt to raise the spirits of Tash Appreciators and will just concentrate on the Tash itself. 

The news that’s been grabbing the headlines this week (other than the exploits of some Bullingdon educated toff – who claims to be a man of the people – suggesting that he’s helping the squeezed middle) is that S Club 7 are re-forming. Yes, those of us who haven’t stopped and haven’t given up have had our prayers answered and they’re bringing it back to us!

When I read about this in the ever-accurate and always well-informed Daily Mail my honest reaction was that this was a terrible idea. Jo, Hannah, Tina, Rachel, John, Bradley and Paul have had their day. It was glorious, to be sure, but it’s gone. Leave it alone and don’t ruin the memories. 

It’s not just pop music reunions that can ruin something glorious; people can also bring the Tash into disrepute by either not being man enough to carry it off or just abusing it in a vain attempt to pick up chicks. 

Tash Friday usually points towards the Tash as being the ultimate in “dudery” but it’s not for everyone. Only the bestest of lads and the ultimate blokes can carry it off to its fullest extent. So this week I’ll demonstrate how the Tash can go wrong; badly wrong. 

For example, check out the Hoff in this picture: it might work for his adoring Germanic public but for everyone else this is shocking. David, if you’d stuck to running around Malibu you’d have been fine but this is diabolical. 


This next one is my personal favourite. I know that the ladies love the Tash (and you have to admire the guy for his guts as I can appreciate the sentiment) but tattooing that on your upper lip was one of the top 5 worst ideas of all time! It’s up there with Appeasement and Craig Allan’s taste in ties. 


Have a fantastic weekend folks!

If you offered me a scotch and plain water, I could drink a scotch and plain water – Lt Archie Hicox

Posted on by

Como estas Tash Appreciators!

I was talking about Tashes with Mr A last weekend, as I seem to do all the time these days, and he was pointing me in the direction of some world class examples from the seventies. 

I’ve decided to save those for another time because, as he was pointing me in the direction of rock ‘n’ rollers of the highest pedigree, I got to thinking about whether the age of apparently superhuman rockstars and movie stars has been ruined by the advent of tabloids and the internet; both of which have served to let us see behind the curtain and have shown that these people are mere mortals after all. 

I also got to thinking about past Tash Fridays and realised that the vast majority of them were at least 10 years old. The most recent modern one was a burd for god’s sake! 

So, this week, I intend to remedy the fact that modern Tash-toting gents have been somewhat neglected of late. 

This week’s Tash is a movie star for the modern age. One minute he’s wearing a daft helmet and pulling submarines out of the sea with his mind; the next he’s playing Karl Jung; and then, soon after, he plays a guy addicted to picking to chicks up on the subway and generally ladding around to the point where it becomes an illness. I should also add that it’s probably fair to say that prior to “Shame” – where he gets it oot at every opportunity – his audience was primarily blokes who thought he was just downright cool. However, the ladies have now discovered him, and his Irish accent, and it seems certain he’ll become even more of a star than he currently is. 

Of course I’m talking about Michael Fassbender: a man who has rocked the Tash on several occasions and takes great care in keeping it tidy:
What the hell, I know some people mainly like the pictures, so here’s another one:



What a hero!
Have a bloody marvellous weekend folks and remember to get your respective mothers something nice for Sunday!

In this town, we are as good as it gets: Natural Police (McNulty, The Wire)

Posted on by

Salut Tash Appreciators,

Right about now, In a secure location near the Devilla Forest, a creature is awakening.  

This creature is a mystery to anthropologists the world over as his physical features suggest he is homosapien but his soulless eyes and strangely long arms suggest he is a beast from a time before time. 

Nonetheless, today is a big day. Today, he becomes a bona fide police. So he puts on his favourite acapella version of a generic r’n’b track as soulless as he is and starts polishing his boots until he can see his own image. 

It’s not often that Tash Friday directly congratulates one its number (indeed, there has only been one previous occasion) but the, for once respectable, exploits of one Jonathan “Leitchy” Leitch are worthy of a mention.

Leitchy initially followed the well trodden route of school > qualifications > uni. However, in spite of his friends (including myself) telling him he was “mental” he took a turn at a blind corner and applied to the police. In doing so, although he didn’t know it at the time, he was doing exactly what Tash Friday would preach on a weekly basis : he was having a bash at something he genuinely cared about.

As he approached the end of the selection process, recession hit; police recruitment was halted; and he was left in limbo. However, he stuck to the task and built up his experience to ensure that when recruitment re-started he would be at the front of the queue. 

The situation didn’t change for over a year and I’m sure he had his doubts about whether he’d done the right thing. However, in 2011 he was offered a place on the training course (where, by all accounts, he excelled) and today he is passing out (for the first time without having had half a shandy and a shot of sourz). 

Tash Friday often talks about taking life by the scruff of the neck and following your ambitions and this is yet another example of it happening. This time though, it’s not a man with a Tash; it’s one of us. 

I’m not saying he’s Tom Selleck or Albert Einstein (he’s not even remotely similar to either of them) and I don’t want to be hyperbolic in my praise but if we accept that success isn’t measured in pounds or dollars but rather in satisfaction with what you’re doing – which I do – then we should be proud of and congratulate those who take a risk and back themselves. 

I know it’s cringe but as this is for Leitchy (the most cringe person I know), the Tash this week is Walt Disney; a man who said “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them”:


Anyway, I’ll finish this week by congratulating Leitchy and, more importantly, Mr and Mrs Leitch. I hope you have a cracking day and that Leitchy buys you a nice lunch/dinner to thank you for putting up with him. I’ll also take this opportunity to advise Leitchy that we have adopted a Buff-Cheeked Gibbon in his name at Edinburgh Zoo (Gibbon just about sums him up) and the details are winging rheir way to him as we speak. I should also say that if a rather outlandish policewoman appears at your front door asking if you’ve been a bad boy you’d better let her in… some of the idea the lads came up with for a present were fairly bold. Seriously.

To Leitchy, and whoever else is free tonight, give me a text and I’ll catch you at the flat or in Kushion/Bamboo later – Turn Up The Lights!

Have a cracking weekend folks!